If
you feel lonely or like you’re being neglected by your partner, you might have
a clear idea about why this is. It could be that your partner is dealing with
illness, stress, or drama in his or her family, or something else that is
unexpected and difficult.

You
may be sympathetic to what your partner is going through… but you can still
miss having the expression of love and attention that you’re used to in a
relationship.

On
the other hand, you might be used to feeling emotional neglect from your
partner. Perhaps, from your perspective, you’ve been low on his or her priority
list since day one of your relationship. Maybe you say, “I love you” to your
partner, but don’t hear it often — or ever.

While
every situation is different, feeling like you aren’t important, special, or
maybe even loved by your partner is sad and scary.

In
reaction to how you feel, you might get needy and demand your partner’s
attention or you may withdraw into yourself and possibly even act in
passive-aggressive ways. These reactions are never effective if what you want
is loving attention and connection with your partner.

When
you’re feeling lonely, neglected, and ignored, there are 6 things you don’t
want to do in order to get their attention.

Don’t:

1.
Accuse

If
you’re accusing your partner of something, then you’re not open to listening,
and they won’t be either.

Unless
you have verifiable evidence that your partner is breaking your agreements,
lying to you or cheating, chances are your accusations will push him or her
further away.

2.
Jump to conclusions

It
might seem clear to you what’s taking your partner away from you, but don’t
assume. It’s likely that you’re wrong or not aware of the whole story.

3.
Ignore important information

Don’t
dismiss reliable information. If there are contradictions or things don’t add
up about what your partner says, pay attention. If he or she is asking you for
help in some way, be aware of that too.

4.
Get defensive

As hurt and angry as you might feel, don’t get defensive. Being needy for
attention, whining or trying to justify being needy isn’t going to move your
partner closer to you.

5.
Play the victim

We
know your partner’s actions might feel like they’re rejecting you. Try not to
play the victim and make this all about you — unless you know for sure that it
really is all about you.

6.
Make demands

It
can be useful to set a firm boundary. This doesn’t have to be delivered as a
demand.

The
difference is that a demand pushes against the other person to manipulate or
bring about a particular result. A boundary is merely the clear statement of
specific needs and conditions that you have.

It
can be hard to not act this way when we’re feeling hurt and stressed, but it’s
not impossible. And there are healthy ways that you can communicate your needs.

Do:

1.
Keep returning to the facts.

Reliable
facts can free you from anguish and emotional pain. Remembering them can also
benefit your relationship.

It
is always in your best interests to pause before you react. Sort out what you
know is true from what you are merely guessing.

This
can help you decide what response will potentially allow you to reconnect with
your partner.

2.
Meet your own needs first.

Here’s
the trap that many people in relationships fall into… They look to their
partner to “make” them feel loved, special, attractive and successful. This
just doesn’t work and can make a person feel even more alone and neglected.

While
it’s understandable that anyone would want to feel his or her partner’s love,
if this is how you feel, please remember that it’s not your partner’s job to do
this. It’s your job to make sure your needs are met and that you feel special
and loved.

This
can be tricky because a relationship does survive and thrive when love and
appreciation are expressed on a regular basis. But they thrive even more when
the individuals in the relationship are actively meeting their own needs first
and do not make the other person responsible for how they feel.

If
you feel sad or insecure, do what you can to soothe yourself in truly relaxing
ways. Write
in a journal
, treat yourself to nurturing self-care, and meet with a
professional counselor or coach if you’re struggling to feel better.

There’s
certainly nothing wrong with asking your partner for a hug or some other
specific request for support, but don’t expect him or her to make you feel a
certain way.

When
you’re doing your best to meet your own needs first, then you can talk with
your partner about his or her behavior that feels neglectful to you. From this
place, you are less likely to sound needy or demanding.

You
can also more easily listen to what your partner is going through and then
create some agreements that will help you to reconnect.

Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors who help couples
communicate, connect, and create the relationship they desire. Get a free copy
of their ebook, Passionate Spark, Lasting Love.



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